I was five or six when I had my first taste of Gaines Burgers. My family lived on Water Street in Tucson, and my mom would occasionally feed our dog these things. To me, they looked like meat Ding Dongs, but wrapped in cellophane instead of aluminum foil (like Ding Dongs were).
In my mind, Gaines Burgers were like perfect discs of faux hamburger, and looked lovely and yummy. One fateful day, I snuck one of these discs from the box and secreted it out of the house and into the warm summer morning and past the first back gate whereupon I stopped and gazed down upon the red sim-meat stuff.
I tore open the cellophane.
It was after the first bite that I suddenly realized that, sometimes, the bite is worse than the bark. I swallowed hard, then tossed the bitten Gaines Burger disc aside and left it for the ants.
Those creatures later formed a megahole in the clothesline area of the backyard, which my father had to deal with. I was racked with guilt over this cos I assumed it’d been my fault for feeding the ants the Gaines Burgers; I also wanted to avoid my father’s wrath in the event he found out I’d been eating the dog food since he’d caught me eating Milk Bone Dog Biscuits a few months earlier.
But, that’s another story for another time.
mattlaneydotcom 